i have been thinking about my past muses. first and foremost, i miss them. they all played a role in my sexuality in one way or another. this year has been quite the dry spell for me and yet i am blessed with the elite few that have stood by my side.
i seem to write these magnificent posts in my mind when i am in between the conscious and subconscious. i hate that. i remember reading, that a writer should keep a pad and pen by the bed side at all times. if i did that, i think E would kill me if i clicked the light on to write.
it’s like a roller coaster. it dipped and everything flowed so freely without an edit or second thought. i think i am on that slow climb to the top of another dip. i keep waiting and waiting in anticipation. did i mention i am not very patient?
i miss A’s talent of language, creativity and sound. he had the ability to make me come without even touching myself. he could read a simple speech or from a regular book and i would grow aroused within seconds. at the same time we laughed so much that it was such a contrast to my darkness. he brought me out of a very dark time in my life and breathed passion back into me.
the one thing A enlightened me to was detail. i was able to see detail but he taught me the arousal in the detail. touch, sight, sound, taste and smell. he taught me a heightened arousal in senses. my mind became more vivid and over active. i could see and feel so much more when i read something or heard him. my mind danced wildly and i became even more easily aroused. i will never forget A’s contribution to my sexuality and life. he always will have a special place in my heart.
then there’s V, who really doesn’t need much of an introduction on here. i have now known him for over 2 years now. i will never forget meeting him on Indecent Blogging and wanting his interactions. leaving him comments on his posts that always left my heart racing. his talent with writing was and is addicting. he knows how to pull a reaction from me effortlessly.
V pulled the sadistic and dominating side from me sexually. i had always thought i was socially aggressive and sexually submissive. yet, when i read his posts i saw myself playing the role and demanding his dedication to me. we have had our parting of ways and reconnecting. it is understandable with life. however, when we do find each other we know our roles and try our best to start where we left off. V may be a “pet” but he is also a close friend. i have a fondness and bond with him that i feel will never will extinguish no matter where we may end up in life.
S is a girl. the first girl that i can say i love. she is beautiful, kind, sensitive, smart, filthy and giving. i feel through her, i have met someone that is most like me and maybe even better. i have always said i wanted to fuck the equivalent of myself and i see this in S. i have known her over a year and i don’t ever plan on parting ways with her. we have shared the most intimate of details in our lives, this includes the good, the bad and ugly.
my problem with women in the past is the drama and cattiness. i love women but i don’t enjoy the baggage that comes along with them. that has always been the hurdle in interacting sexually with a woman. things would be fine in the beginning and slowly the drama would seep in like a weight and burning out the lust. i don’t have that with S and i think that’s what makes “us” work for so long.
the one that has given and taken the most was T. the rush he gave me when i read his words, the sensation of floating when i heard his voice and i thought it was something that i would never see the end of. we were friends first and became lovers. yet, i am left with the most heartache from him. however, he paved my way in the ability to have sex without love. there is this saying that goes something of the lines of, “there is one man out there that can fuck your girl at anytime and you better hope that you are that man.” i think i have to admit that perhaps T might be this man. as much as i don’t want to admit it due to the pain he caused.
the hardest part for some women is the emotion that is involved when spreading your legs. at the time of being with T, i carried heavy emotions and feelings. all i knew at the time was when you loved, you made love. when you are hearing how much a man “adores” you, one can not help but to get sucked in to where you never wanted to go, falling in love.
in the end there were many months of courting, one night of intimacy and no goodbye from the man that “adored” me. it felt like some tragic Shakespeare tale and i was the dumb main character that just didn’t see it all. since then i have over analyzed the interaction and came with the conclusion that it was what it was and i would do it again. the one motto i have stuck with in my life is, i want to live. i don’t want to sit here and rot away. i don’t want to be so reserved in life that i am too chicken shit to take a risk. it felt so amazing to be “it” for those months and even now reflecting on it, is very overwhelming.
for a very brief period there was J. again, a man with the highest ability to write seamlessly. i remember reading a letter that he had written to a “future girlfriend” on his website. i read it and couldn’t restrain myself from emailing him. from that moment on we had exchanged the hottest and most amazing emails ever. i showed him sex blogging and he created the most fantastic sex blog ever. his words would always make my eyes water. i admit i loved him too. it was a forbidden, “never gonna happen” love but it was so wonderful to feel and have. sadly, it got to the point that i could not read him because of the feelings that he would pull from me. his way with words and expression were beyond my abilities and left me inept.
after A and a few online disappointments, i was pursued by R. in the beginning i really wasn’t ready due to the stresses of my health and holidays. i kept talking with him and after i had surgery and healed up, my sexual switch clicked to “On” and i was ready. my biggest fear in sex with him was the emotions and feelings that i experienced in the past. i could not deal with another pain and another stress at this point in my life.
i remember our first meeting and how nervous i was. my body was literally shaking. i had my clothes off in under 5 minutes with T and with R it was slow. we had talked for hours and finally we had to take that plunge. the sex came quick and the heat was unbearable.
i am happy to say that months later. we still see each other and the sex is always amazing. one thing that keeps me coming back is how R’s cock hits my g-spot. with him i come so easily during sex and his teasing factor helps as well. i love hearing him and his arousal. his reaction and expression is such a turn on. i am not sure where this will go or when it will end but i am appreciating what i have with him.
as this year comes to an end, i am a looking forward to next year. it seems lately each past year has been tougher than the previous. judging by this country’s economy, i am hoping for a better 2009. one can be positive at this stage, right? i also urge all of you to vote. if you are a complaining, you should be voting or you have no right to complain.
this world could use some patience, compassion and understanding.
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