Filed under: Grace
i am at this point where it is hard to concentrate on one thought. my mind is this whirl of thoughts, images, words and emotions. i have gone beyond “frustrated” “angry” or “starving”. at this very moment it feels as if it were a calm before a storm. at the same time i feel i am a blank slate just waiting, waiting for my color, the stroke, the beauty of a creation.
i read words and they stir my insides and start this build up against a dam. the words are a force that beat against the walls with the need to be freed. the will to contain slowly weakens and it will only take that one sentence that will cause the eruption.
this lull, this waiting, this hibernation only makes me wonder how much longer will it last? what will happen once the dam is opened and the storm rolls in. yet, i have this fear, is it all over? will the dam open and just a trickle makes its way free? when it rains will it just be a faint sprinkle?
the last time i cursed words through my breath and was flooded with the sensation of an orgasm, cannot be recollected. i am certain it was self induced. how did i let this happen? why? is life that much in the way of my need to come? before i had always managed to find a way.
is it the quality or the quantity? it is quality for me. i want the tears to flood my eyes and pierce downward on my skin with that release that i have beyond needed. i want to rip and tear flesh with my nails and teeth to accentuate this is not normal, this cannot be tolerated and shouldn’t happen again. whipping like the winds in a storm stinging with my pellets of rain. i want to lose all ounce of control and be free for just a few seconds. i want to let out the roar of my insides without the fear of hurting another.
my worst dread is feeling the way i felt before. needing and needing with this hunger and never getting enough to be sated.
i want to feel everything at once. i want to see the colors in my mind frantic at that very moment when nothing matters and the world cannot be seen or heard. that is the high point that makes me human and i know there is love to have that piece of ecstasy. that is the singular time when i call out to God and maybe that is a touch from him at that split second.
i wait silently like a focused predator. there is no sense in jumping too soon, i only fear i do not turn on myself and concave.
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