Gracie\'s Playground

a black storm
Wednesday January 10th 2007, 12:29 pm
Filed under: Grace

i am at this point where it is hard to concentrate on one thought. my mind is this whirl of thoughts, images, words and emotions. i have gone beyond “frustrated” “angry” or “starving”. at this very moment it feels as if it were a calm before a storm. at the same time i feel i am a blank slate just waiting, waiting for my color, the stroke, the beauty of a creation.

i read words and they stir my insides and start this build up against a dam. the words are a force that beat against the walls with the need to be freed. the will to contain slowly weakens and it will only take that one sentence that will cause the eruption.

this lull, this waiting, this hibernation only makes me wonder how much longer will it last? what will happen once the dam is opened and the storm rolls in. yet, i have this fear, is it all over? will the dam open and just a trickle makes its way free? when it rains will it just be a faint sprinkle?

the last time i cursed words through my breath and was flooded with the sensation of an orgasm, cannot be recollected. i am certain it was self induced. how did i let this happen? why? is life that much in the way of my need to come? before i had always managed to find a way.

is it the quality or the quantity? it is quality for me. i want the tears to flood my eyes and pierce downward on my skin with that release that i have beyond needed. i want to rip and tear flesh with my nails and teeth to accentuate this is not normal, this cannot be tolerated and shouldn’t happen again. whipping like the winds in a storm stinging with my pellets of rain. i want to lose all ounce of control and be free for just a few seconds. i want to let out the roar of my insides without the fear of hurting another.

my worst dread is feeling the way i felt before. needing and needing with this hunger and never getting enough to be sated.

i want to feel everything at once. i want to see the colors in my mind frantic at that very moment when nothing matters and the world cannot be seen or heard. that is the high point that makes me human and i know there is love to have that piece of ecstasy. that is the singular time when i call out to God and maybe that is a touch from him at that split second.

i wait silently like a focused predator. there is no sense in jumping too soon, i only fear i do not turn on myself and concave.

10 Comments so far
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All these sentiments resonate with me. I have had thought that echo similarly to your rant bounce incessantly through my head. I have felt those emotions pulsing through me. The frustration. Feeling so overwhelmingly full and repressed. The fear in what builds in you. Your words captured it all beautifully. I hope you find blissful release.

it is nice to know that someone can relate.

i did find a release, just not so sure it was blissful. it was needed though.

Comment by Chris 01.10.07 @ 7:29 pm

prisoners are we so often to the lust that builds within us. for some the release never comes.

i always break out.


Comment by Pandora 01.10.07 @ 9:32 pm

Creativity eats at me as well. At times, I give in to it, others it hounds me until I am nearly mas, wandering, like the Maid of Astolat.

liras you are so beautiful to me.

Comment by Liras 01.10.07 @ 10:17 pm

hi gracie,
I have been reading your blog for quite some time now, and must say I am between liking it, not understanding it and finding its attitude strangely disgusting…
But I must admit there is something very fascinating, very primeval an carnal about it. Most likely it its the fierceness described that scares me.
So truly, on a very strange level I APPRECIATE you writing how and what you do…
thanks for sharing

N, thank you for the comment.

Comment by nemesiswish 01.11.07 @ 4:14 am

I echo Pan’s words……I long for the release at time…..hungry..wanting…needing.

well that is good i am not alone all the time.


Comment by Ed 01.11.07 @ 5:05 am

Curiosity killed the cat…
Satisfaction brought it back.



Comment by Rae 01.11.07 @ 8:46 am

Thank you. My beauty is… I really think it is just a shield, to protect me from the woes of life.

wistful smile…

my dear do not cut yourself short like that. there is no need to be modest. we all know of the beauty you possess. ask anyone and they will agree with me.

Comment by Liras 01.12.07 @ 2:39 pm

My beauty does not matter to him, only that I submit. That is what makes me luminous in his eyes.

you are willing to submit even though he cannot see your beauty my dear liras? he must have quite a spell on you get his clutches on a winged being such as yourself. i see your beauty liras. you are luminous in my eyes. i would let you free if you so desired, but i would do my best to keep you down here with me.

Comment by Liras 01.13.07 @ 10:04 pm

*Chuckle* He does try to keep me where he wants me. I have wings, so I can flit away for a time.

My outer beauty and sweet nature are nothing to him if he can’t use me. Liken it to a pretty urn that is pure decoration, versus a pretty urn that you use during the dinner hour.

I am utterly taken with him, I will admit. He is so very much unlike me, that I can help but reach out and caress his darkness.
And that is when the trouble begins.

curiosity of the unknown and opposite is what takes us to that edge. you only fear you do not tip to far forward and fall. i know liras, your god keeps you safe and that is what allows you to play with “his darkness”.

Comment by Liras 01.14.07 @ 11:27 am

Yes indeed. I once fell into the muck, took weeks to get it out of my feathers.

I do have my God protecting me. He must, for he put me here. How am I to save the occasional happily debased soul without reinforcements?

In the darkness, there is light. Thus, I feed it, until it blazes forth.

spoken ever so beautifully liras.

Comment by Liras 01.19.07 @ 12:18 pm

Say what is on your mind
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